Women's Cancer Recovery Group - take a break from your cancer journey

Receiving a cancer diagnosis is a shock, doubly so if you have young children to tell. As an ovarian cancer survivor, I am launching, ‘Women's Cancer Recovery Group’ to give women a break from the gruelling treatment they face. We will meet on the first Saturday of the month for a cuppa and chat, and any woman who has received a diagnosis is welcome to join us, and put that heavy load down. There will be lemon drizzle cake, chocolate biscuits, and a warm welcome at The Kelsey Recovery Hub in Belper.

A cancer diagnosis is like throwing a pebble into a pond, the ripples are felt far and wide both for yourself, and your family. The water can get pretty choppy. No-one is unaffected as they watch you endure your treatments. Everyone has to adapt to this life-changing and often life-threatening news. Big changes have to made. Daily routines shift. As women we know so much already about coping with life’s challenges, but cancer, even the word, is still so frightening to hear. Young children especially will find this news hard to process.

The other hat I wear is as a child play therapist. I treat children aged between 4-12 years who are struggling to regulate their emotions after big life changes. Hearing your Mum has cancer at these ages can be difficult for children to make sense of, and talk about. They don’t yet have the cognitive functioning to process this big news, and they may react in ways that are challenging, which will make things harder for you. Here is a guide to help you make this easier for them to understand.

Use real language

Don’t avoid saying the word, ‘cancer’. This helps children to avoid fantasising about your illness. Take a scientific approach, and explain as simply as possible that some of Mummy’s cells have gone rogue (or in your own words), and this is called cancer. Use everyday language they will understand. Or, use a metaphor like a car that has broken down because some of its parts don’t work properly, and we are working together on that as a team (Mummy’s doctors and nurses are part of this team). Children relate to metaphors because they help them to understand complex subjects. Avoid making promises about the future, however tempting it feels. Promise to be as honest with your child as you feel comfortable being. This will help them to feel they can trust you, and can come to you with their questions. This sends them the message that you can have an ongoing dialogue with them about the changes you are going through which might affect your future, and theirs. In doing this you are helping to prepare them for the possibility of more difficult news.

Suspend your expectations

The conversations you have with your family might not go as you expect them to. The best laid plans, and all that. That’s OK. Let everyone have their own reaction. Your one and only job is to tell them your news. Don’t be surprised if your child’s reaction is the most surprising of all. Be prepared for anything! Don’t overthink what you are going to say. Be clear. Be factual. Be kind. Remember, this is the start of a journey, and you will need to have many more conversations, but take each one at a time. Just get through this one first.

Puddle jumping time

Children process their feelings in stages. When they have had enough of processing, they do something else. This is how their brain protects them from tipping into overwhelm. We call this, ‘puddle jumping’. After hearing upsetting news like your cancer diagnosis, don’t be alarmed if they run off and hide, or start climbing a tree, a seemingly random activity. Puddle jumping helps them to cope with their feelings. They won’t do that activity for long, and when they return, be ready to welcome them back.

Play time

 A child’s natural language is play so to help children understand their world we need to engage with them through playful and creative activities. This will help them to relax and open up. Try and set aside 15 minutes each day where you sit alongside each other on a floor mat, and play. Keep a box of goodies - games, crayons and paper nearby so you are ready to play. Over time, your child will ask you to play on the mat with them as they will recognise this is a time of bonding with you, and letting out their feelings.

Actively listen

There’s listening and then there’s active listening. Active listening means fully engaging with your child by using eye contact and reflecting back to them what you heard. For example, your child says “nobody wants to play with me.” Rather than reacting with “That’s not true! We are just busy at the moment” You repeat their words. Like this: “ You think that nobody wants to play with you”. You can then follow this with a question to engage your child in a deeper conversation. Something like "How does that make you feel?" or "Why do you think nobody wants to play with you?"

By repeating what your child has said, you're showing them that you're really hearing them and making an effort to understand them. By not responding with an immediate counterargument or a solution to their issue, you avoid invalidating them.

If your child believes that you're really listening to them, they believe that you really care and that you'll hear them without trying to solve everything for them.

This gives them the safety and security to open up to you and share with you their most vulnerable thoughts and feelings.

You time

You can't pour from an empty cup. If you want to give your child your energy and attention to help them to deal with their feelings, you need to have enough energy to give.

Give yourself a break and speak kindly to yourself. Remember that the words you use in your mind can change the way that you feel and can have a direct effect on the chemicals released from your brain into your body.

If you tell yourself that you can't cope or that you're not enough, you will flood your body with cortisol stress hormone and this will make it much harder for you to remain strong for your child and for yourself.

Remind yourself that it's normal to struggle with feelings, and this too shall pass.  The one thing that you can guarantee in life is that everything changes. If you're feeling overwhelmed with the situation you're in, you can take comfort in knowing that things are always changing and we are amazing at adapting to whatever life brings.

Taking just 10-20 minutes to meditate every morning can have a massive impact on your ability to face difficult situations and give you the energy to withstand the pressures of daily life as well as the patience to support a child who is dealing with big feelings.

The Women's Cancer Recovery Group meets on the first Saturday of each month at The Kelsey Recovery Hub in the 1924 Arcade, Campbell Street, Belper, Derbyshire, DE56 1AP. No booking required, just turn up.

Join our Facebook group www.facebook.com/cancerpitstopforwomen

Amanda Seyderhelm is an author and registered Play and Creative Arts Therapist based in Belper, Derbyshire. She has co-founded Cancer Pitstop for Women with her friend, Jill Hodgkinson.

www.helpingchildrensmileagain.com