What to do if your child doesn’t want to go to school

Written by Helen Pridmore from ‘Talking Hedgehogs’

Most children will show reluctance to go to school at some point but fortunately this is usually a passing phase and nothing to be concerned about. For a few children this can develop into a pattern of non-attendance to the point that it is defined as ‘emotionally based school avoidance’, but this is not what I’m talking about here.

I’m thinking about the children who say they don’t want to go to school one particular day. They may say they have tummy ache or feel sick or give other reasons why they feel they need to stay at home.

Here I am giving some insight into what may be going on and some suggestions of how to navigate what can be a tricky situation.

First reactions

·      Don’t panic! Try to manage your own feelings and stay calm and practical.

·      Listen to your child and show that you empathise – e.g. say things like ‘I can see you are worried about going today, but I am here to help you’ or ‘It’s hard when we must do things we don’t like, isn’t it? But you can do this!’

·      Put school attendance in the context of the whole day – maybe making a visual timetable (a chart of pictures of the daily activities) for your child. E.g. 'After breakfast you are going to school and when I come to pick you up, we are going to the park before tea.'

·      Be gently curious about the reasons they don’t want to go to school, but bear in mind that sometimes children do not know or do not know how to verbalise it.

·      Avoid keeping your child off from school. It might solve the immediate issue but will just cause further problems in the future. 

So, what’s going on?

The reasons children start showing reluctance to go to school are varied and may be a combination of several things.

At heart, there are three main things that children need to know.

Am I safe?

Do I belong?

Do I matter?

Many behaviours we observe in children are rooted in anxiety – they don’t feel safe.

This is where we must view the world through the eyes of the child because it can be hard for us to see, in somewhere as physically safe as a school, why they may be anxious.

What could they be afraid of?

• Is your child more comfortable in a quiet environment with fewer others and so finds the bustle of the class and playground too much?

• Are they unhappy about sitting next to a child who nudges them or who makes comments about their work?

• Do they feel unsafe sitting at the front of the class because they can’t see what other children are doing behind them?

• Have they have misunderstood a joke a teacher has made? E.g. I heard of a teacher who inadvertently scared a child by saying he puts children who talk too much in the stock cupboard.

• If the work is too hard or too easy, that can cause anxiety in children.

Do they feel that they belong?

• Do they have friends?

• Are there signs that the child is part of the class? E.g. their work displayed, their name on the hamster-feeding schedule.

• Are they doing things the other children do? E.g. watching the same TV shows, going to a club like karate or Brownies, knowing some current music? They don’t all need to be doing the same thing, but it is important that they have some things in common and are aware of them.

Do they feel they matter?

• Are they contributing to the class by offering answers or bringing things in from home, related to the topics they are studying?

• Are they given responsibilities like the other children? E.g. giving out books, taking messages?

• Are they asked to play out of school hours and invited to parties?

• It’s impossible to list all the causes which it is why opening communication with the child and the school is vital.

Approaches to the school

School staff want children to be happy in school so will want to know if your child is showing reluctance to attend. The teacher may have no idea that your child is upset by something. They will take your concerns seriously but it’s important to approach with an open mind and willingness to work collaboratively with the school.

Your child’s perspective of what is happening in school could be different from the school’s view and it’s important to listen to both to get a comfortable resolution. The child may say that she doesn’t think the teacher likes her, for instance. It’s more effective to get the teacher’s view before assuming he or she is the problem.

Make an appointment so the teacher can give dedicated time to you and, at least initially, this meeting should be held without the child present.

Some issues that the child says bother them may be easy to change e.g. be given a special job to do. The problem might be something that seems small to the adults but feels big to the child. Children need to hear that they are being listened to and that their fears are not dismissed as being trivial or not something to make a fuss about.

Some issues will not be easy to resolve, so the focus must be on helping the child to develop resilience. E.g. they might want to be first in line all the time, but they must understand that they take their turn.

It’s important to determine the reason for the reluctance and address it, rather than put in strategies in place to improve attendance. Maybe your child is anxious about asking to go to the toilet in lesson time and it’s making her reluctant to go to school. You may find your child goes to school more readily if she gets a reward for going in without complaining, but that hasn’t addressed the source of the anxiety – asking to go to the toilet.

It’s not necessarily an issue at school, though

Children can feel unsafe in school, and thus reluctant to go, if they are worried about something at home. 

Maybe a member of the family is sick or upset and the child is concerned about what is happening at home while they are away.

It might be a fear of missing out, especially if a younger sibling is not at school yet and they perceive them to be having a much better time at home.

How can ‘Talking Hedgehogs’ help?

It is important for the development of resilience and independence that children learn to be able to communicate their needs themselves. Many issues in school could be addressed if children could appropriately express their feelings to others rather than rely on the adults to sort things out for them.

Our workshops give the child more agency to resolve everyday issues themselves, quickly.

Take the scenario of the child who bumps into your child on the playground. If that first child runs off, your child may believe the collision was on purpose. If, instead, your child has the confidence and skills to stop them and say, ‘Did you know you bumped into me?  You hurt me,’ the dynamic of the situation has immediately changed. The first child is more likely to apologise spontaneously.

If your child, who gets upset because another child always has first go on a playground toy, had the confidence to say, ‘Please can I have a go now?’ rather than quietly seethe or get angry, they are more likely to get a satisfactory and quick resolution.

It helps them, the school and parents if children know how to talk calmly to the teacher about things that bother them, rather than take them home.

Our workshops help children have the words and the confidence to do just that.